As
you undoubtedly know by now, my militant Islamist organization Boko
Haram raided a secondary school in Chibok, Nigeria last month,
kidnapping 276 teenage girls while they were sitting their exams. In the
weeks since, I have ordered the abduction of dozens more young girls
between 12 and 15 years old, and we are keeping all of them hostage as
we wait to sell them into the human trafficking market. Many around the
world are shocked and appalled by my actions, and simply do not
understand how one could carry out such acts, especially against
innocent children. To them I would simply say that I am a holy warrior
carrying out the undeniable will of God Himself.

Well, I’m pretty
sure I’m carrying out God’s will, anyway. If I had to put a number on
it, I’d say I’m about 80 to 85 percent sure I’m carrying out God’s will.
Actually, maybe 75 percent, just as a conservative estimate. The bottom
line is that it’s likelier than not that kidnapping these girls and
viciously massacring Christians is what God wants me to do, provided I’m
hearing Him right.

In the 57-minute video I recently released
online, I explained that God commanded me to sell these girls into
slavery, and I stand firmly and categorically behind that statement. Of
course, I think it goes without saying that God didn’t tell me in those exact
words to auction off children into a flesh trade and essentially
condemn them to a life of being beaten, raped, and subjected to forced
labor on a daily basis. But I’m a devout man of faith who has dedicated
his life to the service of God, and as such, I’m fairly confident that
this was what He was getting at. More or less.

Trust me, when you
have given your life to the study of fundamentalist Islam, you just sort
of get to know what God wants. I’m definitely getting the gist of what
He envisions, at least; I can say that much for sure.

Here’s the
thing: When you’re in front of the cameras proclaiming God’s message to
the entire world, sometimes you have to exaggerate a little bit, just
for effect. Not that I’m distorting the truth or anything like that, of
course—it’s just that when I say God speaks directly to me, I don’t
literally mean that He actually utters full sentences to me, per
se. For instance, I didn’t hear Him literally say back in 2010, “I order
you to wreak havoc across your country and murder thousands of innocent
men, women, and children over the next four years.” That was really
more implied than said, actually. If I’m being 100 percent honest here,
it’s more of a gut feeling about what God wants that I think I have a
pretty good sense for interpreting. Either way, the bottom line is that
I’m definitely upholding God’s will, no question.

So mark my
words, infidels: God’s wrath—which I’m pretty certain is how He
feels—will soon fall on all of you. This is His bidding, or some fairly
close approximation of it.

After all, it is the Almighty’s decree
that true Muslims never partake in any activity associated with the
West, including engaging in democratic elections, receiving a secular
education, wearing shirts or pants, or even believing that the earth is
spherical in shape. This much is made very clear by God. At least in a
broad sense. I’m pretty confident that I’m on the same page as God here.
If anything, I’m really close, even if I’m not hitting the nail right
on the head.

Yeah, I’m definitely close enough.

As a servant
of His will, I am constantly maintaining a dialogue with God through
prayer to ensure that I am carrying out His plan for the world. Frankly,
it’s more of a one-way discussion most of the time, but I feel good
that I can pick up on His subtle hints that He wants me to firebomb a
church or order soldiers to raid a local college in the middle of the
night and execute every student while they sleep in their beds. I
obviously wouldn’t ever do anything like that unless I was absolutely
convinced—or at least felt more than 50/50—that I was carrying out God’s
orders.

Look, if I just sat around waiting for a clearly
articulated message to come down from the Heavens instead of filling in a
few of the details myself, then I would never get around to storming
local villages, firing grenades into crowded marketplaces and burning
over 300 people alive in His name, would I? Basically, I’m just getting a
jumpstart on things that God probably desires before He gets around to
actually sending down His orders. I’m just showing a little initiative
is all, and God has to be pretty happy with that. Right? Probably.

When
you’re waging a holy war against an entire population and their
government, you don’t have time to check in with God on all the
minutiae, like whether to shoot children or slit the throats of
Christian families. Murdering any Muslim cleric who criticizes Boko
Haram is another perfect example—I didn’t get a definitive go-ahead from
God on that one, and in retrospect, I can kind of see how God might
have been a little upset about that. But as a learned theologian, I like
to think I get things right more often than not.

The bottom line
is that we will triumph because I know God is on our side. Okay, “know”
might be a bit of an overstatement, but I definitely have a pretty good
feeling about it.

Consider this: If I wasn’t carrying out
God’s will, don’t you think He would have made that clear by now? I
mean, if ruthlessly terrorizing an entire country and literally going
door-to-door murdering anyone found hiding in their homes somehow
conflicts with His message, don’t you think He would have let me know?
See, that’s really on Him, not me.

God certainly didn’t tell me not
to bomb dozens of schools across Nigeria and massacre hundreds of
teachers and students right in their classrooms, I can tell you that
much. So, that pretty much means He’s with me on this one, case closed.

I
just can’t wait until He finds out what I have planned for the small
village that sent out a search party to find those kidnapped girls. He’s
going to be so happy.

I’m fairly confident of it.